The Home Project/Home Depot Experience

Step 1: Convince wife that you can do this project yourself. Spend lots of time on YouTube and realize you’re an expert in this project. Analyze and decide that some of the peoples on YouTube don’t know what they are talking about, but you do.

Step 2: Cost out the project by assembling a list of all the tools that you will need (you’re the expert, aren’t you?) Write down all the tools and supplies you need to buy. Convince your wife that this will be the total cost of the project (and you buffer a few dollars just in case). She reminds you of all the projects that you have done in the past. She begrudgingly allows you to take the credit card.

Step 3: Head to Home Depot. Explain to the department specialist what you are trying to do. The specialist shows you two extra tools that will help you do this job, but you didn’t see any of them in YouTube so you decline one, but decide you can stretch the budget for the other. Talk to the department specialist about getting the rest of the project done – he points out that you didn’t account for waste (add 10%). Thinking that you CAN’T be that stupid, you decide to JUST get what you absolutely need. Find out that one of the supplies you need is going to be very difficult to move, but you also find out that the store will deliver, just for an additional $85 that you don’t have. Not in the budget. You decide to make three trips and load up your personal car (you think about using your wife’s much larger car, but realize that she probably will want to know why and you decide it’s worth the cost of gas to avoid that conversation).

Step 4: Just as the YouTube expert described, you start the project. You realize during the destruction phase that there’s a whole extra step to demoing. What you figured was going to take one hour takes four. Your shoe prints are tracked across the living room carpet when you wife gets home from shopping, much to her display. Muttering, you put plastic bags over your dirty shoes so they don’t track anything onto the carpet again.

Step 5: Run to Home Depot to discuss the second tool that you declined.

Step 6: Run BACK to Home Depot to return the tool because it didn’t work as promised. Talk to a different department specialist. He suggests something totally different. You take a chance, break the budget and try again.

Step 7: Find the first aid kit for your bleeding knee. Can’t find one. Use duct tape to hold the wound closed.

Step 8: Decide that drinking a beer is going to be part of the job (why don’t they sell beer at Home Depot?)

Step 9: Take a break for another beer.

Step 10: Realize that you just cut your lumber 1 inch too short. Decide against cutting again, just going to be 1 inch short.

Step 11: Realize that you’re choice to leave everything 1 inch short means that everything else will have to be one inch shorter. Start cutting everything short. Take a break for another beer.

Step 12: Realize that the one inch short is now not going to work because the door won’t work to the room. Decide to glue a one inch piece onto the end and fix everything.

Step 13: Head back to Home Depot with glue between your fingers and toes for new uncut materials.

Step 14: Realize that you’re $500 over the budget projections at this time. Pay for it out of the utility bill fund rather than ask permission to the wife. Figure you can hide this expense easier that way.

Step 15: Find first aid kit for your bleeding arm.

Step 15b: Realize that they DO sell first aid kits at Home Depot – utility budget again!

Step 16: Wife finds your beer cans in the recycling and asks if everything is OK. Not convinced by your answer.

Step 17: Call your buddy who is a semi-professional contractor (or he thinks so) to come help. He shows up with another 6 pack of beer. You are responsible for the pizza costs. You don’t need electricity next month, right?

Step 18: Your buddy makes a recommendation that you start again – apparently, the tool that you opted out of was really that important.

Step 19: Wife is now yelling about two sets of boot prints in the carpet.

Step 20: You ask your buddy if he has someone who he knows who can finish the job – your buddy recommends his friend, a real contractor, who does work on the side. He calls his friend and describes the project – the “best-buds discount” doesn’t seem too “discount-y”.

Step 21: Realizing that you’re out of time, you slink back to your wife and describe the situation with a bouquet of flowers (Home Depot doesn’t sell either apparently)…

Step 22: Sit in the den and sulk as the professional knocks out the project in about 2 hours.

Step 23: Hand the credit card back to wife as she pays the contractor.

Step 24: Admire the contractors work, but secretly know that you could have done a better job!

Step 25: Start thinking of the next project to handle.

Submitted by Matt.


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